The most important paragraph you will ever write!

The most important paragraph you will ever write is probably the second paragraph of your query. This paragraph is your teaser, the paragraph that will take the agent/editor’s feet off his desk as he sits up with delight in his eyes and a deep desire to read the rest of your manuscript.

The following two paragraphs were in my entry for: Mandy Hubbard - Query Day is Here!

Alex is the youngest of a neglected trio of brothers with the will to survive. When the brothers flee their home, they journey to a land ruled by the Thunderer of the Iroquois nation and guarded by a fierce black dragon man. As they strike out on a quest for security and friendship, they find that learning can be full of magic, compassion does exist, friends come in all sizes, and some battles are worth fighting. (You will notice this is very near what I have on this blog side bar. I would not have left that up, had it been successful in the query. You do not want editor's/agents reading the same thing twice.)

Moon Tree Brothers is an fantasy novel told through the eyes of the youngest brother, Alex, age eleven. Alex’s battle, in this the first in the series, is to make life safe for the sisters they left behind, complete the education he has not been given at home, and stay out of trouble when he is used to being alone and out in the night.

Mandy Hubbard's critique:
So, I’m having a hard time with this one. You’re telling us a lot. But you’re not showing us much. All I know about Alex is he’s a neglected 11 year old. I think you spend too much of your query trying to summarize the themes of your novel instead of setting it up and trying to hook us. Don’t tell us what they’ll learn: show us what their challenge is in the beginning of the book.

Try something closer to:

“Alex LASTNAME is eleven years old when he leaves the only home he’s ever known in favor of a long journey to FOREIGNPLACE. But he, along with his two brothers, are determined to succeed in order to find a safe haven for their sisters.

"But the journey is complicated by X factor and Y event, and Alex begins to wonder if he’s made a mistake. Can he really make it all the way to FOREIGN PLACE?

"Hmm, see, I can’t even write the query for you because I truly have no idea what your story is about. You’ve got a 5 paragraph query and of it, only about three sentences pertain to the events of the book, and a few more are listing out the lessons we’re going to learn along the way. (NEVER preach the lesson’s we’ll learn, let us discover them ourselves!)."

I am now working on another version of my query. I want to make sure any editor/agent I submit to cannot wait to get my manuscript. And, do not forget that you want to tailor your query to each agent/editor individually.

I believe the lesson here is: write your query as well as you write your manuscript. How many years did you work on your book?